EX wants to be friends on FB

[hollyinjapan]

I just got a FB friend request that made my heart stop and stomach churn. Its from an ex-fiance.

We had such a wild and sick relationship that has scarred me for life -- albeit it really made me a much stronger person. He was a perpetual liar, people user, thief, forger, playboy, etc. Several years back he made local headlines that he had been arrested for stealing a million dollars from his employer (he's an accountant) and causing that company to go bankrupt. Because it was over the million dollar mark he was sentenced to 7 years in a Federal Penitentiary. I guess he's out now.... I have to admit that seeing that news made me a little happy just to know that he'd finally gotten what's coming to him.

While we were together he put me in thousands of dollars of debt, used me, played around with other women the whole time, broke my heart, etc etc ad nauseum. I was the one, finally, who broke it off with him. I did have some contact with him a few times just before coming to Japan (he wanted to try to pay me back a little of what he owed me, but I refused it because I thought it was just a trick to try to weasel back into my life.)

Funny thing is, I don't hate him. I hate me -- the me at that time - for letting him do those things to me for such a long time. That's why I feel nauseous when I even think about him. I've changed SO much, and I suppose years in the "pen" will have changed him too.

I've forgiven him and pretty much don't have any feelings about him either way other than curiosity. I know I can block him on FB if I do decide not to confirm the request (I've already blocked a stalker I had at one point.) I suppose he's only curious about me too. Still....

What would you do? Would you confirm the friendship?

[sinead]

I don't know, Holly. I had one of those things (not as serious as an ex-fiance but an ex), too, and in the end I friended him but have really limited contact. You have to go with what your gut tells you. The other thing...how does your DH feel about it? I think it's something I'd talk over with him (especially since it was an ex-fiance) and see what he thinks. And hey, if he feels wonky about it, then you have a easy out, right? :) Husbands (and wives) are good for that. I always tell my DH that he can use me ("oh my crazy wife blah blah blah") if he needs an easy excuse to avoid something that might be awkward. :)

[donnawells]

Whew! I'm not sure what I would do....probably against my better judgment I would. But, I think the smarter thing to do is maybe send an email back thanking him for the request, ask him what he's been up to and say at this time you don't feel comfortable with granting the request. Maybe a few emails and that's all you would need. You have to decide if you want him to be able to look at all your photos, see what you're up to, be a part of your life again!

I have to edit this to say that I have an ex-fiance who I WOULD accept because he's a good guy....just wasn't the right guy for me. But if The Farmer requested (which he did once) I would deny it. I think it depends on who the person is.

[vivie]

whew...tough one, Holly. I'm more of a black and white person, no grey or middle ground so I would probably not do the FB thing. Definately have to think of the DH factor too...wow...wow...seriously a hard thing to have to deal with!

[jacinda]

I wouldn't. You've moved on now. I wouldn't go opening Pandora's box again so-to-speak.

[scrapperjade]

My gut instinct would be to say no. Your gut instinct: "made my heart stop and stomach churn". What more do you expect your inner conscience to tell you about what your answer should be?

My opinion would be to decline & block him.

[HeatherB]

I wouldn't either. I have an ex boyfriend and I wouldn't want to share any of my life with him. Even acquaintances from my old company, I don't bother accepting friend requests because I'm not interesting in sharing my life with them either. Just because someone knows me or knew me isn't enough for me to let them in. I need to share a common passion, or care about them very deeply. I guess that is why I only have scrap friends and just a few others! ;)

[marianneh]

*phew* .... that is quite a dilemma! I'd do what Donna suggested, only because I'm terribly nosey and would want to know what's going on with him, but leaving it at just a message or two, means you don't have to actually befriend him...

I do rather like Sinead's "crazy wife" excuse :lol:

[Patti McCarthy]

I'd be inclined to block and decline him too!!

[nativescrapper]

NO! NO! No! He hurt you to many times already. Dont do it!!! You are a beautiful woman and you dont need to be treated like that again.
I consider all you ladies here my friends. So I will give you my straight opinion on this. NO!! NO!! NO!! Dont want to see you hurt!
We all luv ya!!

[ShabbyShaz]

NO!!! No No No...LOL....get it honey?

No going back - especially if it was not good. You maybe able to check him out if you want without befriending him. Go with your gut and keep him out of your life.

And forgive yourself...that was another time, person and place. Look at the beautiful person you are now, the wonderful family you have and don't even invite the possibility of that getting hurt, even in an innocuous way, back in.

I have said no to some from my past - just feels icky and I have no idea why they would want to know about me after all these years.

Hugs!!

[wildblueeyez]

I'm with everyone else - no! yes, you may be curious about him but think about this: do you really want him having access to your postings and photos of your kids?

[yamstamps]

I had a similar experience (well, not all the background stuff) - my ex-husband wanted to be FB friends. I did actually think about it for a while, then decided I didn't want HIM to be able to see all my personal stuff, so have just ignored it (and smacked myself upside the head). OK. I have to admit, I've left the request there, haven't physically blocked it on FB, because I enjoy laughing as I click on his profile to see his 3 friends that he has there. I'm evil, I know.

[hollyinjapan]

Ohhhh, these are all such thoughtful and good input. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Linda -- that is too funny -- I'd get a kick out of that too.

So here is what I'm thinking... I'm going to ignore the request for now. Mostly because, yes, just his photo makes my stomach churn. I did end up "checking" out what information I could about him through his FB. Most of his content is blocked until becoming his friend - like most smart people would do. But I was able to go through his Friends list (lots more than 3) and found it interesting to see a few old names that I actually knew. Including his 1st wife -- he never could get over her! And another women with his same last name who I can assume just by her looks and name that she must be his current wife.

I think I mentioned that he was a playboy. Well, 90% of his friend on FB are women with "bustaceous" photos. So that is a bell ringing right there as well. Also, he is back to living in Aspen which tells me he's got money. I'd heard that the money he embezzled from that company was never located, so I would assume he was able to stash it away pretty good if he can afford to live in Aspen now.

Anyway, all of this is showing me that he probably has not changed all that much.

Plus, and this is my little secret. I am deleting that FB account anyway. I am in the process of combining two accounts and inviting those friends I want to keep to come over to my scrapbooking FB. I never did much on the personal one anyway. So I figure I'll ignore it for now. Block him under my scrapbooking account, then just delete my other account leaving him to wonder...

Perhaps that is passive aggressive of me, but I don't really want to contact him even to say no to his kind request. I've decided that I'm really not all that curious about him anyway.

[donnawells]

The other day I was looking for tips to recover from divorce, because I'm still struggling and my ex keeps contacting me.....just a little bit.....enough to give me some hope. I found this website about Divorce Recovery (http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm) and it really was an eye opener.

I would imagine your ex-fiance has some relationship addiction issues if he has those other women on his friends list.

About a month ago, I got a friend request from the guy who bullied me in high school. I couldn't believe it and I wanted to send him an email and tell him how much he had hurt me. In my mind I was thinking maybe he'll apologize. Well, then I emailed his former best friend (who was in on the bullying but has apologize profusely and become a very good friend now) and he told me to ignore it. He is a counselor by profession and went on to say that Facebook has changed the definition of "friend" and it also puts us in a sticky situation because we only have a couple options and those make us feel rude. And we don't want to be rude. So, quite often friend requests are granted against our better judgment because we think we're being polite.

I'm glad I asked him about it because that made me see the request differently and I clicked Ignore. THEN the guy sent one again a few weeks later. I just clicked ignore again. And the fact that I never sent an explanation or an email actually made me feel better. It gave me some power....like I was saying "You don't matter to me at all!"

[HeatherB]

He is a counselor by profession and went on to say that Facebook has changed the definition of "friend" and it also puts us in a sticky situation because we only have a couple options and those make us feel rude. And we don't want to be rude. So, quite often friend requests are granted against our better judgment because we think we're being polite.

I agree with this. Even looking at my facebook friends list, so many are acquaintances and not friends (and I try hard to be selective). Just because I "know" someone doesn't mean they have the right to being a voyeur. Even my scrap friends are actual friends - people I share a team or a small forum with or have developed a relationship over the last couple years, not just someone who happens to scrap (I ignore the requests from people I only know by name and not by relationship.)

[jk703]

I agree with everyone in the No, No, No! You have moved on and moved up and don't need it.
I also agree with your counselor friend, and FB has changed how we view people and friends. I actually weed out FB friends every so often, cause I have def been polite at times... :)

[Charla]

I agree with everyone else, too. Especially since it sounds like he hasn't really changed. Even though you don't have any hard feelings, I know what those angry-at-self feelings are, and you don't want to go back to that. If you're anything like me, you're opening yourself up to awful dreams about the feelings you went through then and post-him. :bighug:

I think your decision is PERFECT!! :good:

[nicoleseitler]

I actually don't even have my maiden name on FB because I don't want anyone to find me like this. I think I'd pass out if an old boyfriend hunted up on FB. :P

[kelleymickus]

I would definitely say NO to that Holly. Personally, I think he has a lot of nerve even sending the request. Even if you no longer have feelings for him, people like that are master manipulators! Take care of yourself!

[cherylzyx]

You girls have all covered the "NO!" angle pretty well. You don't owe him anything, you don't even owe him acknowledgment. I would like to remind everyone here that you can select what information gets shown to each person individually or in groups.

As an example, I have 3 groups I put people in: Family & Close Friends, Acquaintances, & Other. I have 3 levels of privacy that go with each group.

The first group (Family & Close Friends) I allow access to all of my information.

The second group (Acquaintances) I allow them to see my bio info and a few select photo files. I also allow this group to view any links I post in my status updates.

The third group (Other) is mainly for people I've met through my work. I am a sign language interpreter and the local Deaf community is small and tight-knit. But, just because I've interpreted for someone doesn't mean I want them to have access to my life, so I restrict this group to my bio info only. They don't see any status updates or photos.

In addition to this I have a personal rule of not 'friending' anyone I've not met personally, that means no friends of friends. If I don't know you, I won't friend you.

It just takes a few minutes to create groups and assign them privacy rights.

[donnawells]

I've never tried to create groups. I have set privacy differently for certain things. There was one guy I agreed to "friend" because he knew someone...or so I thought. Then I realized that she didn't know him either! So, he's been deleted and blocked. He turned out to be quite the weirdo!

[gonewiththewind]

Just chiming in with my own "no." LOL

[hollyinjapan]

The other day I was looking for tips to recover from divorce, because I'm still struggling and my ex keeps contacting me.....just a little bit.....enough to give me some hope. I found this website about Divorce Recovery (http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm) and it really was an eye opener.

I would imagine your ex-fiance has some relationship addiction issues if he has those other women on his friends list.

About a month ago, I got a friend request from the guy who bullied me in high school. I couldn't believe it and I wanted to send him an email and tell him how much he had hurt me. In my mind I was thinking maybe he'll apologize. Well, then I emailed his former best friend (who was in on the bullying but has apologize profusely and become a very good friend now) and he told me to ignore it. He is a counselor by profession and went on to say that Facebook has changed the definition of "friend" and it also puts us in a sticky situation because we only have a couple options and those make us feel rude. And we don't want to be rude. So, quite often friend requests are granted against our better judgment because we think we're being polite.

I'm glad I asked him about it because that made me see the request differently and I clicked Ignore. THEN the guy sent one again a few weeks later. I just clicked ignore again. And the fact that I never sent an explanation or an email actually made me feel better. It gave me some power....like I was saying "You don't matter to me at all!"

Donna, this is me exactly -- I'm sitting here chanting yes, yes, that's me! I hate feeling rude, but truly, deep down I could care less about the guy! I LOVE the empowerment you mentioned of NOT having to send a reason why!

Its soooo true about the meaning of the word Friend. What, is it either friend or enemy? Oh well, I'd rather count him as the latter anyway. I've moved on and hope not to hear from him again.

Thank you!

[hollyinjapan]

I would definitely say NO to that Holly. Personally, I think he has a lot of nerve even sending the request. Even if you no longer have feelings for him, people like that are master manipulators! Take care of yourself!

I thought so too Kelley, of all the nerve! And he was soooo full of himself -- the mast manipulator just as you said.

[hollyinjapan]

I actually don't even have my maiden name on FB because I don't want anyone to find me like this. I think I'd pass out if an old boyfriend hunted up on FB. :P

There are a couple of old beaus that I wouldn't mind being "friends" with, but they ended much more positively than this guy. I debated about putting my maiden name on my listing, but decided to just so real friends from the past could find me if they wanted to. And for the most part this has worked out well. But it is nice just being able to ignore requests, isn't it.

[hollyinjapan]

You girls have all covered the "NO!" angle pretty well. You don't owe him anything, you don't even owe him acknowledgment. I would like to remind everyone here that you can select what information gets shown to each person individually or in groups.


Excellent point Cheryl. I do have two groups too -- one for USA family and friends and one for scrapping. Mostly because I think most of my friends and family aren't interested in my galleries. Its easy to control who sees the post with that little lock icon.

By the way, I was wondering about FB Friends who don't belong in any group. Does that mean they can see every post? or none?

[michellebatton]

Ohh - I'm going to chime in with a no way LOL

And that's a good question about the non-group folks Holly - I have some like that and I never really thought about what they were seeing. Now I'm going to have to go check!

[scrapperjade]

Can someone tell me how to put my friends in groups? I made "Lists", is that right? I organized everyone into 1 of 4 lists (Family & Close Friends, School & Work, Scrapbooking, Acquaintances), but how do I set the privacy? I've clicked everything and can't find it. Help!

[hollyinjapan]

When you make a new post, somewhere near the bottom of the post box there is an icon that looks like a padlock. If you click on that you can control who sees that particular post. Many times I only want my scrapbooking list to see it then I have to click on teh padlock and in the drop down menu click on customize (of something like that). My scrapbooking list doesn't pop right up but if I type in the word scrapbooking then I can click on it and its set.

Does that make any sense at all Jaedyn?

[scrapperjade]

That makes sense Holly! I'll try that next time :). Too bad their isn't like a universal lock on each group (so I don't have to manually do it every time).

[heathert]

I'm way late to this, but I vote for just ignoring the heck outta him. =) For all of the reasons listed above--plus, look what turmoil just the request put you in. Can you imagine if you started corresponding, or reading little tidbits about him everyday? Yuck...

[cherylzyx]

Sorry I didn't get back in here sooner to reply but life has been busy. To make lists in Facebook go to Account (upper right), Edit Friends, All Connections (upper left), Create new list.

To set privacy for each list you've created go to Account (upper right), Privacy Settings, Customize Settings (blue text and pencil near the center), from here you can adjust the privacy for each type of post.

Hope this helps, PM me if you need more info, I'm happy to help.

[cherylzyx]

By the way, I was wondering about FB Friends who don't belong in any group. Does that mean they can see every post? or none?

I'm not sure about that since I have all of my friends in at least one list. To check how each person views your profile you can go to Account, Privacy Settings, Customize Settings, View My Profile, at the top there will be a box to type in a name - it will then show you what your info looks like to that person.

[hollyinjapan]

To check how each person views your profile you can go to Account, Privacy Settings, Customize Settings, View My Profile, at the top there will be a box to type in a name - it will then show you what your info looks like to that person.

Hmmmm, very interesting. Will have to give this a try...

[hollyinjapan]

I'm way late to this, but I vote for just ignoring the heck outta him. =) For all of the reasons listed above--plus, look what turmoil just the request put you in. Can you imagine if you started corresponding, or reading little tidbits about him everyday? Yuck...

Yuck indeed Heather. Just one face photo of him was enough to make me ill. That would be self-torture to go through his profile photos. (Not because I have any loving feelings left over for him. Quite the opposite.)

Ignored friend request, check!

[heathert]

Whoohoo! Way to go, Holly! =)

[melissaj17]

The only ex I've confirmed as a friend on FB is my first bf from high school--a very sweet and (now) gay man! All the rest need to stay out of my life!

[hollyinjapan]

Melissa, my first boyfriend from high school is a friend on FB too. I guess the younger the love, the more the friendship we can maintain afterwards...