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    1. Not-Okay-2-web
      Not Okay




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      hollyinjapan




      Not all who wander are lost

      Registered: November 2008
      Location: West Tokyo
      Posts: 11,160
      users gallery
      I'm not okay. As much as I want to be I'm not. As much as I try to tell myself I am, I'm not. And it makes me angry. Why am I so weak?! I'm angry at myself. What really happened to me that I should be such a collapsed version of my former self?

      Something has flipped inside me and I have trouble doing even the most basic tasks. I am feeling completely disconnected from things that used to be so important to me. Email, scrapbooking, even shopping has become a task. The news programs say that a lot of people are feeling the same way. They (the so-called experts) are calling it post-traumatic stress depression (dysfunction). I personally hate putting a label on what I'm experiencing because it makes me feel like a weak-minded person who has crumbled for no good reason. I'd like to think there is a good reason. But nothing - other than fearing for our lives - really happened to me.

      I thought I was doing okay during it all. I was holding up and staying strong, even enjoying my days. I was the one comforting friends and family overseas telling everyone just how OK things were. But one day, just around the time that we feared radiation in the Tokyo water supply, I went to the grocery store and even though I got there early there were a hundred people lined up ahead of me. When the shop opened its shutters people were crawling underneath and running through the store to buy up the water and rice. I was able to get two small pet bottles of water but had to fight even for those. I went home and cried, something in me snapped and I realized the mass fear around me. I've never felt that kind of despair before. No matter how much I tried to believe that we were safe the panic around me told me otherwise.

      I was exhausted - physically and mentally - being yanked around, back and forth, in and out of danger. I believed (and still do) that we made the right decision to stay put, to not evacuate. But I got sick of the growing panic in places far from here telling us to "run for our lives." I had to tune them out. I had to disconnect. I am so thankful that my own family and friends did not question our decision and held us in their prayers.

      The situation is back to normal in Tokyo. For the most part the aftershocks have ceased. Food, water and gas supplies are not a problem. School, work, play... have all resumed with little or no after-effects. So why do I still feel such nothingness? Why can't I get over it! How long is this supposed to last? I want to be myself again.

      I have to believe that I will be, okay again, someday. It will probably sneak up on me. Instead of just waking up one day and being whole, I'll realize over a period of time that I've had several good, productive days. I'll realize that my outlook is bright and positive. I'll find that I have reconnected with the outside world and I'll even get my creative mojo back. I'm really looking forward to that day.

      I'm not okay, but I will be.

      Credits:
      papers and most elements from I Made It Through by Litabells Designs and Shawna Clingerman
      page templates from Fuss Free Set Nine and Fuss Free Artisana 2 by Fiddle-Dee-Dee Designs
      clouds and raindrops from Sweet Lullabye by Jofia Devoe
      bird from Page Pretties by Studio Gypsy (retired)
      butterflies from Illuminated Journal by ViVa Artistry
      blue bling scatters from Build Your Own Border by Amy Wolff
      glitter style from punk my boi {glitter styles} by Joyful Hearts Design

      Thank you so much for looking!
      Date: 6-1-2011 · Views: 314

      Additional Info
      Keywords: Not Okay
      Additional Categories: Member Galleries
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  1.   6-2-2011 5:24am
    1. MrsPeel

      One Hot Chick!


      Registered: November 2010
      Location: Brazilian in London, UK
      Posts: 1,556

      am copying & [asting from the double page post, but you do know is heart felt

      I am going to post this at the GSOs, because not only I do admire your pages visually, but they allways come charged with an intense variety of feelings, and one of them is the honesty and greatness of your journaling.
      I also will write to you privately in a bit, I have been through many post traumatic disorders and even the break up with my husband, in which I also felt a lot like you....and you are right, we are not allright, but we get there.
      As an older woman and someone who admires you greatly, I may have a word or two of input that you may benefit from....or even just if you (despite, I know, the fact that you have family & friends doing so) the thought of having us here praying and sending the best vibes possibly... I found out that helps too
      a super, super huge hugg Holy, apologies for the lack of contact lately, I haven't been very well myself...but I'm getting there too
      more hugggzzz
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  1.   6-2-2011 9:41pm
    1. SATW

      Chatty Chickster


      Registered: February 2011
      Posts: 229

      your journaling is so touching and so honest. And your layouts are beautiful. I've been praying for everyone affected by the devastation, but your LO reminded me that physical devastation isn't the only trauma.
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  1.   6-12-2011 12:28pm
    1. lulutoo

      Chatty Chickster


      Registered: September 2009
      Location: Wisconsin
      Posts: 274

      This spread is so beautiful. It's always best to be honest rather than covering up how you really feel. I hope that Cynthia's input can help--I know she has traveled extensively and been through a lot, even though I don't know the details. Just remember you're not alone and there are lots of people who care.
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  1.   6-15-2011 10:27am
    1. juliesouthern

      Empress of Random


      Registered: October 2010
      Location: Colorado
      Posts: 5,877

      I think it's very hard for strong, capable people to deal with the fact that they are still human. And it is hard for anyone to realize that when push comes to shove, there's very little that we are able to completely control. It makes one so vulnerable, y'know? I pray that your healing process is progressing well and that you are soon strong and whole again. Hugs!
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